American Airlines Transporter Service

Come to think of it, though, if American Airlines was running the transporter service, I don’t think I would use it.  They can’t handle airplanes much less something as complicated as a transporter would be.  As it is, if you can drag your sorry ass to the airport at five AM when it is still pitch black to get your plane scheduled to leave at seven, there’s a big if as to whether it will leave at seven or if it has been rescheduled or if it has been cancelled completely.

And then after your have been x-rayed enough to cause cancer and you finally do get on the plane, there’s no telling how long you will sit there until they decide it’s time to go, and then when you finally taxi out to the run way, there’s no telling if they will announce that you have to go back to the gate because they forgot a flight attendant or one of the engines fell off, and then when you go back to the gate and then taxi back to the run way to wait your turn to take off you pretty much have to give up the idea that you will make your connection at Dallas or Atlanta or wherever the hell it is you are supposed to make a connection.

I mean if American Airlines was running the transporter service, I would sure as hell take out a lot of transporter insurance because there would be no telling whether they would transport me to the designated location in one piece or not.  Maybe part of me would end up in Dallas and another part in Atlanta, or all of me would end up somewhere in the middle of the frozen tundra in Alaska. And you could leave it to American Airlines not to have a secure transporter service, so weird hackers out there would be hacking into the transporter beam and stealing body parts for sale in South America, so you might end up in the middle of the frozen tundra without your liver or something.  Though transporting would still be 200% safer than driving which tells you something about how unsafe driving is.

And of course they would find some way to rip you off.  Like there would be first class and coach transporter service.  If you transport first class, you get your own private little shower area and a transporter booth with a curtain on it so nobody has to see you in your nakedness.  Oh, I forgot to say, you have to transport naked because there had been problems with people transporting with their clothes on; the fibers on their clothes got mixed up with their body hair, so some people ended up with like polyester body hair.  And at first as an added bonus extra, when they transported you, they did not transport like viruses and bad bacteria that might be in you.  But this was only if you paid first class.  But then the government said everybody had to be transported naked and have all their viruses not transported for fear of spreading a plague or something.

So if you transport coach, you end up naked in this like huge gym locker room sort of place with thousands and thousands of people all milling around naked and looking for the baggage claim area, and of course, there’s no telling if your baggage will arrive or not, or if when you get it, it will really be your baggage or if maybe your clothes all shrunk or expanded in the transport.  So, if your baggage doesn’t show up you can just stay there in the huge locker room and wait, or you can buy one of the plastic jump suits American Airlines will sell you for about 1000 times what it is worth. 

Of course if you transport first class, you have your own private little locker room and the plastic jump suit is free.  Anyway, I wouldn’t transport American Airlines for sure.


I added five minutes from one of the cassette tapes WB sent me.  The sound is not so hot but it’s interesting to hear his voice. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *