Every now and then somebody writes a comment in response to one of the entries here. But I don’t get many because this blog is sort of a soliloquy and doesn’t exactly promote dialogue. So I don’t check to see if I get any comments or not except when I remember to do it, once a week or so.
When I do check, the site will say I have like 70 comments or something, and I will know without checking that most of that is spam. The subject line of the spam will say something like, “Great Site. A work of Art. Shakespeare would be jealous” or something to that effect. Like they flatter your ass to make you click on the link and if I bother to click on the link—which I don’t anymore—it will turn out to be an advertisement for Rogaine or Propicia. Those keyword searches work I guess because they have figured out I am old and losing my hair. Of course, that might be easy to do since I have written about being old and losing my hair.
I also get ads saying Lipitor (which I take for high cholesterol) is bad for you and I should take vitamins instead. And of course I get all sorts of ads for different anti-depression meds. Also I get ones for Viagra and that other stuff, Celesta, or whatever that when you are in the mood one is called. That stuff scares me. They all warn about having an erection that lasts four hours and how you should go to a doctor if you have one of those. I would be scared to death by a four hour erection. I think it would probably kill me. I can’t afford to have that much blood in one place.
And I get ads too for penis enlargement. That’s sort of insulting in a way; I mean who are they to suggest my penis should be enlarged unless the assumption is that there is no such thing as a penis that is too big. For years I didn’t know what this penis enlargement stuff was. Back in the old days, back at the end of the sports section of the paper, you could find these little ads (not that I looked for them) advertising “Male Penile Enhancement.” The male part seemed a little redundant since I don’t think there could be female penile enhancement. I don’t even know if “penile” is a word.
I was too embarrassed to look up the stuff to figure out how they went about this enhancement stuff. Once I was talking with my students about something, penises, I guess, and said, “How the hell do they enhance the penis. I mean do they like hang a rock on the end of it and stretched it out or something. Or do they have this little exercise machine that you stick your penis in to work it out a bit and give it like more muscle.” I went on like this some time, acting all perplexed, and completely dead pan, and the students were like dumbfounded except for a couple of guys in the back who were about to piss themselves trying not to laugh. Actually, this was one of my regular routines. I say “was” because I don’t know if it’s appropriate for an old guy to talk about the penis or even to have one for that matter. I always concluded, “Do any of you guys know what they do to enhance it.”
And nobody ever did. So finally I looked it up and one thing at least that they do is operate on your damn penis. I mean they take fat tissue from one part of your body and stick that fat tissue into your penis, to sort of bulk it up I guess. I wonder if they use a local anesthetic for that. I would want to be knocked out totally were someone to operate on my penis. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I read it somewhere.