Say Cheese!

So I don’t know when it was, maybe six or seven years back.  Somewhere in there, I wake up at about 1 in the morning with like a totally urgent need to go, if you know what I mean; so I make for the facilities, seat myself, and when nothing is immediately forth coming I give an assist.  And man nothing happens, but it hurts. It’s like something is stuck just on the other side of the exit.  I mean I have been known to evacuate but nothing of this proportion.  So I give another assist and it hurts even more.  I swear it’s like that horrible creature in Alien has decided to take an alternative route.

So I go back to bed and lie on my side in a fetal position.  Like waiting, and eventually I break a little wind though hardly worth its salt, and eventually the pain subsides and I slip off into sleep, and that’s that.  The hell you say! And you would be right because—I don’t know when exactly—but sometime after the first time, the second time occurs.  I wake up; it’s about one in the morning and it feels like the Alien is trying to take that alternative route again.

So I mention it to Carol, and I say like, I don’t know what it is.  But man twice lately I’ve had, I don’t know, these “hard farts.”  They are like farts but they won’t come out.  And we discuss it a bit, and I have recently had a physical and my blood checked out OK, my PSA, I mean.  The thing they check the prostate with.  So it’s probably not that, though the hurt extends down into that region. And there was no blood in the stool.





Then the third time comes along and for some reason I decide to chew some of those Tums, I think they are called, though they are not Tums since we get the generic kind.  Anyway, I chew these and what do you know, but pretty quickly, like the pain goes away.  Now I have a treatment, at least, though not a cure, because I have no idea what there is to cure.

I go on like that waking up now and then, not every week, or not even every month, but every so often with this pain and plenty of generic Tums on hand.  When bingo! I start to exercise my inductive powers—I think they are called—as opposed to deductive, and I begin to put two and two together.  During the time I have suffered these hard farts, I have also frequently of an afternoon had really noxious gas.  Usually this gas occurs in my office when I am at work and it’s so overwhelming I have to keep my door closed and hope nobody knocks while I turn on my little fan and open the window.  

I have been wondering why I have this gas, and I figure out it must have to do with the damn lunch I eat.  I am trying to eat healthfully and a little more lightly.  And I have been eating granny smith apples and string cheese.  Not a bad combination really, but with horrific effects in my case.  Because I induce—if that is a word—that I must be lactose intolerant.  I have read about this, but I never thought it would happen to me!

So now I have an hypothesis.  No cheese, no hard farts.  So I stop eating cheese completely, which is pretty hard actually, and what do you know, but no more “hard farts.”  So, what do you know but I diagnosed my complaint through my own powers of induction.


At one point yesterday, as the sun went down, the waves were a metallic green.  I don’t think I captured that in the pic. 

4 Replies to “Say Cheese!”

  1. You know you’re getting old when you want to share your bodily functions – or lack thereof – with total strangers. Really enjoyed your bowel commentary (great mental picture!) while having my second cup of coffee with an apple and string cheese. I’ll open the window and keep on the fan just in case…

  2. I cut out cheese maybe five years ago….except for the kind you sprinkle over pasta….but I don’t eat pasta much anymore either.

  3. “lactose intolerant”
    Beings, about 60, have this…my Mum in Law in my Fathers side has it, try to get some calcium somewhere..
    You can get your Soy cheese to got with your apple, and even a sheep cheese or goat cheese, try them….

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