Hmmm. I don’t think this writing experiment is turning out so hot. I had thought that maybe the activity would add an iota of the positive to my day. But now I think that, not only is it not therapeutic, it may be making things worse. Or maybe this feeling of things being worse has nothing to do with the writing per se, but with events and conditions that gave rise to this idea that I should write something every day in the first place. I find it a bit odd, at any rate, that I should decide to exercise my brain in this way right in the middle of a local disaster.
Briefly, starting in early December, 2017, a fire broke out that raged for weeks in the hills and on the mountains nearby. Looking back, in retrospect, it’s clear my wife and I were never in any immediate danger. But at the time, things were not so clear. Yes, the fire remained miles away, but it was also moving quickly. So while I calmed myself by thinking it was far away, I was panicked by the idea that it could and might move very quickly. Big winds were coming, they said, offshore sundowners, I think they were called, and the tension in the voices of officials made it clear to me at least that they didn’t know what might happen when the winds hit. This was a big fire they said; they hadn’t seen anything like it in recent memory.
Many homes had burned and many people had died in a fast moving, out of nowhere fire, up North, in Napa. One old couple had been trapped by the fire, taken refuge in a swimming pool, and been suffocated by the smoke. Our fire, though, seemed a bit different. Yes, it might move very quickly, but, unlike the fire up north, it was not coming out-of-nowhere. We were prepared or at least know it was coming. And it was day light, we could see the smoke. The people up North had been asleep when the fire struck.
These thoughts or ones like them circled the edges of my consciousness with varying degrees of intensity for nearly two weeks. They might all be summed up by the question: are we going to be told to evacuate. Many people had already done that. The motels in town were filling up with displaced persons. Others were getting ready, putting together bags or suitcases with their most valuable possessions. And putting those right by the front door. And making sure they knew where their car keys were because if they had to evacuate in the dark (with no electricity likely) they might have a hard time locating their keys.
Every time I thought about this, about having to evacuate, about having to gather belongings, and credit cards, and cell phone chargers and so on and so for, and getting in a car, and driving somewhere, and trying to find a place to stay, I was overcome with an immense sense of fatigue. I just didn’t know if I could do it. I just didn’t know if maybe I was too damn tired to do it anymore.